*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
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when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam