Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
You Might Also Like
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
i baked you a cake
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!