Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

I love the National Park Service.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.