Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob