Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Covert ops
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”