Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.