Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
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Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
house sitting!
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”