Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

new dr. seuss book dropping:

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FvpD6joWYAEijiA.mp4

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.