Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

My purse is deeper than some people.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?