Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I’m aging like a fine banana
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.