Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I can’t stop watching this.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)