Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
You Might Also Like
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…