Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.


Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”


Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving


god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!


A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.


If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.


It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store


broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”


*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.