I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Amoeba: dad, how was I made?
Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”