@chrisdowning

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

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@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@1BigMick

Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.

@papasuncle

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

@Barknado69

Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much

@clichedout

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

@JasonLastname

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

@causticbob

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

@Jake_Vig

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”