@chrisdowning

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

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@TheBoydP

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

@Darlainky

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

@stevevsninjas

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

@MartaEffing

A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.

@squirrel74wkgn

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store

@ProZD

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

@TheAlexNevil

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.