Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text