Beware…..
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.