beware of dog
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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Snack for election night!
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date