beware of dog
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”