beware of dog
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Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
dude it’s called proctologist
Dance like you’re not the father
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me