beware of dog
(jukin media)
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Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Hey! This isn’t my car!
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON: