Beware of fowl play.
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In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
lol
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.