Beware of fowl play.
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving