Beware of fowl play.
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.