Beware of fowl play.
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…