Beware of fowl play.
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The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
#CatsOnTwitter
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.