Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
absolutely not
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨