Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.