Beware of the dog..
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
moms in horror movies
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
This did not end as expected.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”