Beware of the “party goblin”…
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Cndnsd Mlk
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Whoa 😂
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen