Beware of the “party goblin”…
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
This rocks
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.