Beware of the “party goblin”…
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I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
c’mon!
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
how it started vs how it ended
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My time has come.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now