Beware of the “party goblin”…
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I love the National Park Service.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.