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I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.