Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what