Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?