Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Love is always patient and kind.
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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Ferrari squats
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Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
This is true.
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats