Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Its true…
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it