bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
is this meant to deter me
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.