beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.