beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
the greatest twitter interaction
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26