my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what