Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

I feel seen

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.