Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Spring of Deception

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Pizza is an emotion right?