Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000