Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Before & after 😅

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.