Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
You Might Also Like
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.