Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.