Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
You Might Also Like
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Herpes is trending, good job people
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.