Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Where is your GOD now????
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
We’ve come full circle
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.