Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!