Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.