Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
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5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”