Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
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How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
What my back needs
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.