Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
life finds a way
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
No laws when master is gone
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle