Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I can’t stop watching this.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
This was the best day of my life
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.