Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.