Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
🖤✌🏽
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.