Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”