Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
long lost
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.