Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
You Might Also Like
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
