Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

What.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.