Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad