Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge