Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.

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Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.


When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?


I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.


*pulls shirt back down*

I guess I don’t understand what a flash mob actually is.


ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember


WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?


I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.


If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.


I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How’s your night?


If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say “like”