“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.