Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.