BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Great Canadian literature.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie