BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.