Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
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Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door