Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

when u come home smelling like another dog

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring