BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
You Might Also Like
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
this independent good boy don’t need no human
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.