BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
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You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows