BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
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“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
become ungovernable
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.